Today I was reading through all these articles on a website called ehow where there are hundreds of ‘how to’ articles on every subject. So I thought I would write a very informative and helpful article about something that I have become an expert on since I have been in India. How to make grilled cheese and burn it every time.

I will first give you a little background. I came to India for three months to study at an ashram. But there is one little teeny-tiny problem. I HATE all Indian food. Here at the ashram, there are three meals provided daily cooked by the local women. This Indian food, I am told, is GREAT compared to most and we are so lucky to have such good food served.

To me, this GREAT food looks like plain white rice that when you chew it sometimes its like there are little rocks or something in it (I am assuming by accident), green soupy mush, yellow mushy soup and on the days I am really lucky there are some potatoes in some gross runny liquid that I wash off so I can eat them. Oh yeah, and every meal, every day…curd (barf).

Basically this means that I only eat on the few days that they serve potatoes. Which means that at the beginning I was hungry and grumpy all the time. Then one magical day, I discovered that I could have a local guy go and get me a loaf of bread (not very good bread, but its was a step up). Then I discovered that when people went to Bangalore, I could have them get me cheese. Just add a hotplate and a pan, and you have yourself grilled cheese!

So, I have discovered I have a talent. It was hidden inside me somewhere, and I am sure all these hours of meditating everyday was the key to uncovering this hidden gem within me. I discovered that I have the rare ability to burn my grilled cheese sandwich EVERY SINGLE TIME. Without fail, it is consistent and true. You can count on a char-broiled grilled cheese sandwich everyday all day from Kristie and her hotplate and pan trio here in Penukonda, India.

So, are you ready to learn the secret to success? Here it is, from my own blood (not really, but more like burn) sweat and tears…How to burn your grilled cheese every time!

Step One: Make sure that the bread you have is stale, so any contact with heat will char it immmediately. Fresh bread might be to moist, and you might not burn it correctly.

Step Two: Make sure your electrical supply is powered by a very unstable generator. That way you will be ensured electrical surges to your hot plate, giving much more heat than is necessary. But one caution point: If the electricity is as unstable as it is here, you might have many moments during your cooking where the electricity goes off. If this happens, when the electricity returns, make sure to leave your sandwich cooking for extra time ensuring maximum burnage.

Step Three: One key to burning your grilled cheese every time is to have a hotplate that has no heat regulation. Just on and off. Because when you cook your grilled cheese, it will get so hot so fast that the sandwich burns almost immmediately.

Step Four: Have no cooking utensils besides the pan. This means you have no way of flipping the sandwich to the other side besides with your fingers. So you will have a super hot pan, with a burning sandwich that you are trying to flip with your bare fingers. Obviously you cant because your fingers are blistering so it keeps landing on the same side for further burning. By the time you find any object (like a pen) to flip the smoking sandwich, the side that was cooking will be perfectly black.

Step Five: You don’t have to worry about step five, because it takes care of itself. By the time steps one through four have occurred, you can be sure that your one-level hot plate is so scorching hot that in less than three seconds the other side is black too. Just the way you planned!

See, isn’t that easy. Now you, too, can burn your very own grilled cheese every single time, just like I do. If you really want to know what its like for me here, you can simulate “Krisitie’s Indian experience”. Simply follow the instructions for burning your grilled cheese every time, eat only that for two months, turn on 20 humidifiers in one small room so your sweating more than you even thought was humanly possible and close your eyes and meditate peacefully. The only thing your missing is the mosquito and other various evil bugs that bite you non stop.

:) Enjoy your stay in India! :)

Stay tuned for next time with 101 creative uses for the evil scarf. (FYI: here at the ashram, we are in a small village in rural India, and so to be as culturally sensitive as possible, we are all asked to wear punjabis, and women must always wear scarves. But I swear, the same evil man that thought, “Hey, lets make some shoes with big pointy heels and small pointy toes for women to try and balance on and look sexy in” is the same evil man who said, “hey, lets find the hottest and most humid places in the world and put as much clothes and material on the women as possible. Then add a scarf, for modesty’s sake”. I hope he de-volved into one of the biting ants I just killed).

Okay, maybe it wont be 101, but it would make the pain and torture of wearing these huge scarves in this heat and humidity a little more bearable if I could think of ways to make it useful. So far I only have two uses. 1) Mopping up the dripping,pouring, non-stop sweat. 2) A mosquito/bug net, if you put it over your head and arms, then the bugs can not fly in your ears or on your face while you are meditating. Although, beware, this make you sweat even more.